Once every ten years or so I archive some mail and ran across this gem.
Like most email funnies I have no idea of the source. Received from an
old cow-orker circa 1998.
Things I’ve Learned from My Children (Honest and No Kidding) – an
anonymous mother
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape.
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already
too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak-it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
- Duplos will not.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t
walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute
response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earth
worms dizzy.
- It will however make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.