Things I've learned from my children Thu, Dec 10, 2009

Once every ten years or so I archive some mail and ran across this gem. Like most email funnies I have no idea of the source. Received from an old cow-orker circa 1998.

Things I’ve Learned from My Children (Honest and No Kidding) – an anonymous mother

  • There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
  • It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
  • Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  • A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  • A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
  • If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak-it explodes.
  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
  • Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
  • Duplos will not.
  • Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
  • Super glue is forever.
  • McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
  • Ditto Tarzan.
  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  • VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  • Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  • The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earth worms dizzy.
  • It will however make cats dizzy.
  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Newer and older stuff..

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