gleaned with respect from http://maradydd.livejournal.com/293666.html
C: You are a paranoid schizophrenic who spends most of your time confused about which type you should be, convinced that blatantly false things are true because your extreme efficiency leaves no room for sensible error checking. Moreover your terseness encourages people to interact with you badly, providing incomplete and ambiguous instructions for which you nevertheless come up with a legal interpretation, even though most of the time it is completely nonsensical. People come to you because you promise them simplicity, not realising that below the surface you're a rat's nest of issues. In the end you are always abandoned for someone like C++ or Python.
Python: Python cares deeply about you and does its best to make your life easier. Python is willing to try new things to make you happy -- "Sure, I can do generators, if that's what you want" -- and really doesn't mind if you're seeing other languages on the side. It insists upon arranging the cupboard into strict rows, but you stop noticing after a while, and eventually you come to prefer your shelves organized this way. Your friends think this is weird until they start dating Python too.
Ruby: Your older sister is the most popular cheerleader in school, but she's kind of a slut. You think that maybe if you add more features, the boys will like you just as much.
PHP: You've seen what works for Ruby and you think it will work for you too, but you haven't figured out that lipstick doesn't go on your cheeks and you shouldn't brush your hair with a mascara wand.
C++: C++ has seen people in love, and thinks it has everything figured out. C++ thinks it loves you, but it errs on the side of being controlling when it thinks it's being concerned and caring.
Ada: You are far more flexible than C++, and know how to be strict and forgiving at the same time. However, your tendency to wear the bondage and discipline gear all the time, as opposed to when your lover asks you to bring it out, frightens people off. You need to learn to stop calling people "worm" and "slave" in front of their mothers.
Java: You try to be loving, but you were raised by a commune of 60 nervous women who have told you that everything you do is loving, even when it isn't. Your unhelpful behaviors have never been corrected and everything you do is subtly wrong and destructive.
JSP: You are Java's younger sister, working in a strip club to pay for your women's studies degree.
Perl: You're incredibly enthusiastic and you have five different ways of doing anything that anyone could possibly want to do. As a result, you tend to overwhelm people and you leave a bad impression on people who could otherwise benefit from knowing you. You promise people answers to all their questions, but you're not ready for a real relationship. You like to guess what people want, but tend to jump to conclusions. When other people would say "what, really?", you've already gotten out a ball-peen hammer and a tub of beeswax. Because of this, people find themselves speaking to you using a range of expressions and vocabulary even more limited than what they'd use for someone who didn't speak the language at all.
Smalltalk: Smalltalk won't meet you outside Smalltalk's apartment. Smalltalk says that if you really loved it, you wouldn't leave.
OCaml: You know yourself to be fast, smart, and extremely reliable. However, you look kind of funny and nobody really wants to talk to you. You spend most of your time sitting in a public library glaring at people, occasionally yelling "NOBODY HERE APPRECIATES MY GENIUS!" and getting kicked out.
Prolog: You are a deaf and blind synthaesthete, who experiences the world entirely through smells, each of which triggers expansive flurries of poetry and music in your mind. Certain problems are trivial for you, but nobody will ever understand the answers you give them, because your numbering system involves colors that cannot be perceived by humans. Prolog can sometimes have a good time with people, but it's hard for a person to stay with someone who only wants them for their ochre vibrato.
Lisp: Lisp cares about you, but really loves itself more than it will ever love you. Lisp thinks that it's the world's greatest lover, and it is a lot of fun, but it's completely blind to its own inadequacies. Watch out: it flies into a rage if it finds you've been seeing C on the side. Lisp swears up and down that it can be anything and anyone you want, and in a lot of ways it's right, but in the end, it's still Lisp.
Logo: Lisp's adorable 7-year-old niece who likes to play with her toy turtle. On casual conversation, she proves to be disturbingly worldly and well-informed. You resolve not to let your kids play around Lisp's house. Thinking about using Logo in any serious way makes you feel a bit dirty.
Visual Basic: You're a fifteen-year-old girl with her very own computer in her room, pinging random strangers on AIM and claiming to be a 23-year-old girl who wants to cyber with them. However, your efforts fail at convincing people, mostly because you aren't very imaginative and most of the things you're promising them are ideas you ripped off from other sources and changed slightly, leaving them less believable.
ASP.NET: As above, except you're a fifteen-year-old boy.
Objective C: You grew up in a cold and loveless home. Everything you know about love, you learned by listening to Smalltalk and Lisp's sex parties in the apartment next door. Now you have met a sweet young thing named Darwin, and you are eager to please.
Dylan: Sombody sat Lisp down and told it it was too clingy. Now it's bipolar.
Twisted: Twisted Python not only loves you, it loves everyone, in 10ms intervals, on demand. But once you learn to take turns, you don't notice the difference.
E: E is very clear about its hard limits, and there are a lot of them. It tells you up front what you're not allowed to do, and sometimes you end up forgetting what you can do without pissing it off.
lex/yacc: lex and yacc are those twins you have a one-night stand with every couple of years. In the intervening period, you forget all about the neat tricks they can do, and every time you meet up you end up learning them all over again. But they're really rather one-sided, and schizophrenic in the same way C is, so in the end it's good that they're not after you for a long-term relationship.
Haskell: Haskell is pretty, but always uses an elaborate range of prophylactic techniques. By the time you're all in place, the person you're with no longer resembles Haskell. If you've had other lovers, Haskell doesn't like many of the things that you may have come to enjoy doing with them. Haskell will pretend never to have heard of these things, and call you a pervert.
SML/NJ: You cannot take anything away from a relationship with SML/NJ that you did not bring with you. If you leave anything at SML/NJ's apartment when you break up, SML/NJ will leave it on your doorstep without ringing the bell.
Assembler: Assembler has no limits -- none whatsoever -- but you have to make it do what you want. It will not make a move to help you; assembler just lies there.
FORTRAN: FORTRAN isn't a real relationship. Telling people you're happy with FORTRAN is like telling people you'll be happy taking care of your cats for the rest of your life and don't really need another person.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
- You know more than 10 people who own boats and they all park them at the same marina in Annapolis
- You can pronounce and spell "Pocomoke," "Mattaponi," "Accokeek," and "Havre de Grace"
- You prononce "Bowie" BOO-ie not BOW-ie or BAUW-ie
- 1 hour is an easy commute to work
- You have more than three recipies for crabcakes
- French fries just don't taste right without Old Bay
- There are more than two crab places in your town
- Even your high school cafeteria made good crabcakes
- You got your first lacrosse stick before you were six years old
- You call all turtles "terrapins"
- You refer to your state as "Merlind"
- Your mother shops at Hecht's
- You still call Six Flags America "Adventure World", or even "Wild World"
- You still remember the Wild World commercial (Wild World's the cure for the summertime blues!)
- You can tell the difference between the smells of septic and marsh.
- You not only know how to eat hard crabs but you also know how to catch them, cook them and tell the males from the females.
- You don't think that Assawoman Bay is a strange name for a body of water.
- You know perfectly well why Rehoboth is called "Little San Francisco"
- M R Ducks makes perfect sense.
- So does C M Wangs.
- You think Salisbury is a big city.
- You think of dumplings as wet slippery squares of boiled dough.
- You and your boss take off of work when the fish are running or the ducks are flying in..
- You've eaten muskrat at a church dinner but think it's better the way you fix it.
- You think of "Dairy Queen" as a pageant title and not a place to get an ice cream.
- "Formal wear" is a ball cap, a flannel shirt and Timberlands.
- You still root for the Orioles even when they suck
- You'll never understand why tourists come to DC.
- When in Florida, you can only laugh when you see signs saying "Real Maryland Blue Crab Cakes!"
- You color with "Crowns", take a "Share" with "Wooter" and think the president lives in "Warshenton."
- You know the difference between Glen Burnie ghetto and Catonsville ghetto.
- Your whole family lives within a 200 mile radius of your town.
- Dale Earnhardt's accident was a close personal loss to your father
- At least one man in your family is a waterman
- You plan for "The Festival" a year in advance.
- During the summer, you spend more time in Ocean City than at home.
- Margret Heater, Hedspace, Jepetto, Outside Joke and Mary Prankster are people you think are "Famous"
- Your radio dial is stuck on 99.1
- You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Maryland.
I don't know if I've laughed this hard in quite some time. You don't need to be a guitar player to appreciate this parody.
YouTube - Yngwie Malmsteen Parody
I nearly messed myself. Oh my...